Coping Skill of the Week: Intentional Co-Regulation

A simple way to borrow calm when you can't create it on your own

When you’re dysregulated, anxious, shut down, overwhelmed, it can be hard to find your way back to center by yourself. That’s not a failure. That’s biology.

Humans are wired for co-regulation.

From infancy, our nervous systems learn how to settle by syncing with others who are calm, steady, and present. And that doesn’t stop when we grow up. But here’s the part most of us were never taught: You can co-regulate on purpose. You don’t have to wait for someone to notice you’re struggling. You can reach for connection as a form of regulation.

How to Practice It:

Name what you need.

Try: “I don’t need advice right now I just need you to be with me while I settle,” or “Can we sit together while I catch my breath?”

Choose your person.

Not everyone is safe or soothing. That’s okay. Co-regulate with the people who feel warm, calm, or grounded, emotionally or even just energetically.

Use proximity, not pressure.

Co-regulation can look like sitting next to someone, calling a friend with a calming voice, holding a pet, or even imagining a supportive presence. The goal isn’t to talk it all out, it’s to feel less alone in your body.

Let the nervous system sync.

Sometimes you’ll feel a slow shift. A softening. A sense of oh, I’m not doing this alone. That’s co-regulation doing its quiet work. You don’t have to carry your stress in isolation.

When you reach for co-regulation with intention, you’re not burdening someone, you’re building resilience together.